In Transit Review: Moonglow Avenue

In Transit review:

Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

Moonglow Avenue by Gary Pettigrew

This is actually a pretty good story at heart, but it feels like my own story several years ago, before I started working shopping it. The bare bones of an ingenious story are there, with a good plot, likeable characters, decent grammar, and an interesting universe. But the story is dragged down with unnecessary scenes, plot holes and side characters that aren’t handled very well. Really a person can only do so much just on his own, and that’s what this feels like, a good solo effort. It’s a worthwhile story, but it needs an unbiased pair of eyes. (More than just my own.) I would recommend the writer look at some writing workshops that will allow him to present this story to others one chapter at a time.

One of the major problems this story may face with publishers, is its tendency to move very fast. This is an underground society story, but it never explores the ramifications of living in an isolationist’s world, nor does it even question the idea’s merit. While most individual characters are developed rather well, scenes and ideas really aren’t fleshed out and often it feels like the author is jumping around.

This story gets a score of 8.5 out of a possible 12 with no bonus points. (Only two bonus points are available.) Really the beginning of the story is pretty solid, which is kinda the norm if a story stays on authonomy or sites like it long enough. Most people give their opinion on the first few chapters of a book and never read the rest, which is helpful, but only on those first few chapters. Hence why I recommend finding a good book workshop.

The moral score is actually pretty good. -1 for a few scenes with blood, but not an excessive amount, and -1 more for an imprisoned innocent character. (-2 out of a possible -25, which is a better score than my own story, Lost and Found, would receive.) Really nothing takes place in the story that feels more violent or scary than your average 1990’s Disney flick. I will give the story another -1 for never so much as paying lip service to the fact that isolationism, which is the culture of the residents of Moonglow, is actually a terrible way of life and always to be considered as a last resort if it’s considered at all. I’ll explain more on this issue below the review.

__________________________________________________________

Moonglow is a child friendly story about a group of children who find a passage to a world of magical creatures, hidden for fear of a world that might exploit them. When a child from that world gets out, they must rescue him before the fears of those creatures come true. The children in this story feel quite real and are likeable. The world itself explores new takes on the myths of werewolves and witches, while staying in familiar territory, making it a great story for fans of old fashioned monsters.

__________________________________________________________

And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

1. Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

The grammar errors in this story are few and fairly obvious. Nothing sticks out to me as being something the author simply doesn’t understand and it feels like a few more revisions and the author should catch most of his errors.

2. Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The plot of this story itself is great. Setting up an entirely new world within our own, with its own rules and filled with strange creatures. Some of the ideas seem familiar, like the story is a close relative of the Narnia series, however the new world is portrayed at actually part of our world, rather than independent of it, which creates interesting scenes showing our world and another intertwining without us even knowing it.

3. Good Direction

Score: ½

This is where the story falls apart unfortunately.

First off, while the new world is set up, it isn’t really explored. For instance we learn that vampires are real, but we never learn much about them, despite them coming up several times. We learn that the residents of Moonglow are isolationists, afraid of the outside world which had proven unfriendly towards them. However that the entire world is so wicked it must be hidden from is taken for granted and the residents of Moonglow go from sounding justifiably afraid, to sounding paranoid, as no one is ever allowed to really question if the world ever could accept them. (I myself recall that it is only in the last thousand or so years that humans really feared magic, embracing and even worshiping it before the modern era. Why is that never explored?) Normal humans are just bad, and why is never explored, nor is it explored if there is any possibility that the residents of Moonglow might have done some nasty things to make normal people turn on them. The residents are portrayed as altogether innocent.

This also makes the story feel flat in some areas, as there is very little controversy. The residents of Moonglow are good, the outside humans are bad, that’s that. Keeping in secret is good, exposure is bad. Many writers make up for a lack of controversy with humor or lots of action. However none of the characters feel like they could pull off constant comic relief very well, and this isn’t an action packed story until the end, which I will comment is quite a romp.

A huge problem with the story not exploring just why Moonglow must remain hidden, is that many readers are just going to roll their eyes at the author making claims against humanity, when clearly the main characters and their parents and several of the residents of their neighborhood, all human, are all unquestionably good people. This proves that the residents of Moonglow are just as unreasonably paranoid as they sound. When a young werewolf is about to be shown off on TV, actually many readers probably won’t have a problem with this until they see he’s being held against his will. Until then it just sounds like the creatures will finally be made to get over their crippling fear through non-violent confrontation.

Second off, several elements are left unexplained altogether. When the vampires are first seen in the story, they’re shown as predatory and possibly sadistic killers that do so without reason or regret. Then they later show up as good guys, for reasons never explored. Werewolves show up in the story too, and many interesting elements are explored about them, but the ever essential element of just how their transformation works, is left alone for the most part.

Third, several times the author seems to flat out forget large details. For instance, one of the characters begins to explore magic and casts a number of spells with lasting effects, but never undoes them. The spells are simply accepted as nullified because the story needs them to be for certain scenes to work. Another character, Ryan, is transformed into a werewolf and de-transforms completely off camera, several paragraphs going by before you realize that he’s no longer supposed to be a wolf.

Fourth, the ending also has issues as it rushes past the final interactions of the main characters. Even key events such as the reuniting of the werewolf family, are glossed over.

Finally, the writer seems to have some scenes that really weren’t thought through. In one scene the main characters have a picnic on top of a moving grey hound bus, with a spell that keeps them on top. However the writer never addresses why no one sees them up there as they travel into the city, and to make matters worse, the aforementioned picnic includes a table cloth and basket that stay on top of the bus roof with nothing holding them down for no reason.

Really this story feels like it has a lot of worthwhile material, but it’s only three fourths or even half the length it needs to be to explore them. If the writer is getting frustrated reading all these corrections, let him take this away above the individual critiques. This is a good story, and good stories are worth taking time to tell.

4. Author Interest

Score: 1

I’m giving this score to the author based on how he interacted with me. However he does look like he could stand to be more active on authonomy.

5. Believable Main Characters

Score: ½

This is another problem area in just how fast this story is being told. Pretty much all of the characters, main and side, are seen as black or white, good or evil, with the only in between characters being ones who won’t be on camera for very long. All of the residents of Moonglow are good, even the vampires (whom actually seem pretty nasty when they first show up, but their sadism is seen as something to just go around). All humans are questionable if not straight up evil, expect for the main four protagonists their parents and those in their neighborhood. Any mistakes the good characters make are pure mistakes, no malice is ever intended nor is any selfishness or short sightedness clear from their actions. Heck the biggest mistake the main characters make is leaving a gate open none of them had any reason to believe was important to shut. I really wanted at least one of the characters to be like those in old the Disney classic, Aladdin. Those were characters that were good at heart, and often good in deed, but had their flaws lying in selfishness or near sightedness, not just a simple lack of experience or knowledge.

6. Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Believability and likability are NOT related categories. Yes it was annoying to see Ryan obsessing over the only mistake he ever made in the entire story, leaving open a gate he had no idea was important. It was annoying that that was his biggest mistake, however that he cared enough about the folks around him that that got to him, made me sympathize with him. It has happened to most good people that lacking one key piece of knowledge has had devastating consequences for others and seeing him upset over it makes him feel like a person I would like to have met in real life. Billy is a curious boy who loves mischief, though not the dangerous kind. Jasmine loves to experiment and actually its odd to think that she and Billy never give the writer opportunity to explore the world, as exploring seems like their natural state. Nicole is girly, but she sounds like she would still have been a cool little sister.

7. Likable Side Characters

Score: ¾

The side characters tended to be the residents of Moonglow, which saved the author in this category. They were funny, inventive and interesting. From the goofy ghost boy, to the sadistic vampires, you never quite knew what to expect from these people and it was easy to see they had stories that went beyond the book.

I however hated the villains of this piece, and not in the intended way. The reason this doesn’t take away from the score of the main characters is that the villains can’t justifiably be called main characters. They’re neither fleshed out as people, nor do they really drive the plot except to be obstacles, nor are they really given at lot of scenes in which they are even present until the end. The hunter and TV host are never fleshed out as to why they do what they do or what their history is. Drebin is a reference is Jerry Springer and Buck is an obvious reference to Kraven the hunter from Spider Man. Yes, Jerry was a controversial figure in real life, and Kraven was a very interesting character, but... Well Jerry was only interesting because he was real. He as a person was incredibly boring and irritating. The fact that he existed and was NOT a product of fiction was the only interesting thing about the man as he epitomized everything about the cliché sleaze show host and no one ever saw anything redeeming out of him. Drebin was Jerry Springer. Kraven had a back story in spider man that was admittedly one dimensional, but what was interesting about him was, when he bragged, he had the skills and body to convince you that he was telling the truth. Kraven was every bit as good as he said he was and he had a real consuming passion for what he did, making him feel like a play off of captain Ahab. Buck was just a big headed coward with a lot of money and some goofy stories.

To be fair, Buck and Drebin are two villain types that are very hard to pull off interestingly. The bragging coward and the entertainment exploiter. What seems odd on that note is that bragging cowards are considered relatable as protagonists and exploiters... well no one loves an exploiter, it’s something we’ve all been on the receiving end of. A cowardly protagonist shows passion and an amateurish quality that can be related to. A cowardly villain, regardless of how realistic that is, just feels ineffective. They can be hilarious, but they can’t be intimidating. Maybe if the author played Buck more for comedy he could work better. For Drebin... especially since he’s trying to show off a werewolf to the general public, and half the story isn’t supposed to be devoted to him convincing everyone not to write him off as a nut... I say change him into a freak show host, not a sleaze show host. Freak shows tend to not be real or even realistic, which is why they’re not as hated, and they’re far more mysterious because they aren’t as well publicized. Yes, they’re exploitive, especially if they in any way involve real people, but that air of mystery gives them an edge over sleaze shows. We know what sleaze show hosts are, but we don’t really know what freak show hosts are. This give the author a chance to explore the character and keep the reader interested. In any case, remember, passion is always more interesting than someone just making a living. If Buck and Drebin were passionate about what they did, they could probably have had no change to their central themes, and still be interesting. Drebin seemed to just be making a living, and Buck seemed to just want something to brag about.

8. Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

While many of the scenes weren’t set up as well as they could have been, they were very well described. I especially like the scenes showing the world through a werewolf’s eyes and those showing the magic and natural world coexisting. The super natural was explained and shown with a sense of awe and wonder, just like how a child approaches the subjects and it was fun to read.

9. Targeting

Score: 1

Despite hiccups in direction and character development, the story still has that sense of wonder and awe for magic and a certain love of fun. Children, the obvious target, will love this story. The characters are goody goodies, but they are fun, and if they were given a few more flaws they would feel like real people.

10. Broad Appeal

Score: 1

Because of the way the world of Moonglow is crafted, there’s much for an older mind to wonder about. Also this story won’t alienate the fans of old stories and movies by completely reinventing mythology. (I admit, I do reinvent mythology in my stories, and yea, I’ve gotten hate for it.) It has its own interesting spin on things, but keeps to the myths folks have grown up with.

Note***

Here’s where I go into the part of the story I had a moral problem with. I sense this was unintentional but actually the author promoted a very nasty moral system: isolationism. I agree that in most stories, just because the protagonists do something, doesn’t mean what they’re doing is meant to be seen as right outside their particular situation, or even right at all. But when it’s never questioned or shown in a bad light, it sure looks like their behavior is being promoted.

The residents of Moonglow isolate themselves from the world and are content to believe that on a whole, normal humans are bad. They even show a certain nonchalant attitude toward some of their members (the vampires in particular) being openly hostile and even violent toward outsiders without any form of cause. Even when not hostile, they are shown as afraid of outsiders and unwilling to give them a chance, even when thoroughly proven wrong and shown that not everyone on the outside is that bad. What’s worse, is that for the most part, the story sets out to prove the residents of Moonglow right in their practice, and the major conflict is trying to keep them isolated from the evil outsiders.

Isolationism pretty much never leads to good places. For nations, isolationism leads to excuses for Tyranny, war and even genocide as those perceived as outsiders or sympathizers with them are systematically killed or pushed out. Examples are, North Korea, Iraq and many Middle Eastern territories that have fallen prey to tyranny and terrorism. Those who isolate themselves as individuals from people they don’t understand or like in the real world generally end up as racist and bigoted and can often become dangerous. If they don’t become violent, they often end up ignorant and rather lonely individuals.

Isolationism is like killing. While circumstances exist where it can kinda be justified, it’s still generally wrong. A man should never kill for fun, sport or any form of personal gain. However when faced with protecting his family, his freedom or even his convictions he may have no choice. The Jews isolated themselves in Nazi Germany (those who couldn’t outright escape) because they had no choice, and the country around them really did hate them. What was sad (beyond the obvious) was, there were actually good German citizens that would have helped them had they been given the chance, but the empire was so strong, it wasn’t worth the risk to associate with them. A kind of hostility really did eventually grow between the two people, because that kind of system has to breed such. It’s not good or even acceptable. It’s terrible. It’s often a problem that’s far bigger than an individual can fix, but that doesn’t mean it should be treated as okay, or worse still, prudent and a good idea.

I would strongly suggest to the author to show the isolationist system as more an obstacle than an asset, and something that the good people of Moonglow want to leave behind. Even if they don’t succeed in this episode and find that, as of yet, they just can’t see a way out, showing such a terrible system in a bad light would be better than just accepting it. Like in the story of Beauty and the Beast. Bell is never shown as liking her imprisonment, even though it is a reality she has to deal with and it eventually leads to something good. What was done to her was wrong and it’s treated that way.

(Yes. My own story, Lost and Found, is about a group of isolationist, however the system they use is shown as an obstacle and is openly questioned by the end, some even outright asking if it should done away with.)

My Thoughts on Absolute Fate and God

I actually actively disapprove of the doctrine of full comprehensive fate, the idea that God has specifically planned out everything from the beginning of time, to exact detail, so that nothing happens that He did not make happen.

Most people object to the concept of absolute fate because of the idea of hell. If God predestines everything that occurs, and hell exists as a destination for human beings when they die, God must then have predestined millions (or perhaps, depending on how strict your doctrine is on behavior or what your beliefs must be, billions of people, in fact, perhaps even the overwhelming majority of mankind) before they were even born and without ever giving them a real choice, to suffer for a while here on earth and then die and immediately suffer for eternity in hell.

Horrible as the very idea of that is, even if someone somehow says he only believes God knows of that future but doesn’t ensure it, or that no one truly goes to hell, I still despise the very idea of absolute fate. To say that God planned everything specifically, not just planning for outcomes like a building inspector, but literally knew what things would happen and set things in motion to make them happen... that in it of itself is a horrible statement I don’t understand how Christians can say without feeling shame for saying it. In essence that means every sin or evil ever committed in the history of the universe was not only tolerated by God, but directly His fault. I can only imagine the awkwardness of trying to explain this doctrine to grieving parents who just lost a little one. Jesus did not then die to save us from our sins, but only as a part of an overall plan in which our role is merely as puppets.

Life is not a movie and God is not a director. I firmly believe the choices we make in this life are ours to own. God does not make decisions for us, and indeed does NOT always know what our decisions will be.

God Himself has changed His mind in the past based on human behavior. If He has not changed His mind, as many say He has not, then the Bible is simply a series of nice stories, for He does this time and time again in the old testament, from Genesis on. (Genesis 18:17- 19:29, Exodus 4:10-16, Exodus 4:24-26, Exodus 32:1-14, Numbers 14:11-23, Judges 2:20-23, just for starters) He even routinely makes His promises conditional and His prophets discuss what ifs as though alternate decisions could indeed have been made by people, other than those decisions made (1 Samuel 13:5-14). The Bible and reality scream that the doctrine of absolute fate cannot be true. God did not cause all the evil in the universe and I do not, nor would I ever, worship a god of evil.

To those wishing to debate with me, before you try, answer me this, why bother? If God predestined me to be this way, then there is nothing you can do to make me not this way. You’re arguments, no matter how well crafted, will be meaningless, as I will only “change my mind” if God predestined that I would do so before you or I were even born. Thus what is the point of discussion with a being who has no independent thought, from a being that has no independent thought?

Before someone asks what value life has if God did not predestine every second, therefore giving it all a purpose, answer me this. Of what value is your love for God if He programmed you to have it before you were born? Of what value is God’s love for you if you can only interact with Him as He dictates, with less independent thought than a computer AI? I submit to you that if all of life on this earth was planned out before it even occurred, then it has no value at all. What is the value of something that happens only because it was forced to happen?

Purpose and fate are different. A mother’s purpose is to protect and raise her child. However she may abandon that child on a whim to burn alive inside a car on a hot day, because she was running late to work. The purpose of the mother was the care she did not provide, the slow death of the child was his fate, which she set in motion with no care of what he wanted. Thus is the difference between fate and purpose.

Before you say I am short on faith for not believing God to predestine us, and for daring to imply that God is a limited being, for indeed He would have to be if I am right, think about this. I place faith in God despite knowing He cannot satisfy all my desires for the universe on a whim. I have faith that whatever He is doing, it is for the best, and He is doing the best that can be done. I have faith that He will always be righteous and have the best in mind. I believe that He even created the universe in 6 days, despite being told the world created itself in 6 trillion years. How is that not faith? To say I have little faith, is the same as to say to someone who does not believe in Santa Clause that they have little faith. If our views differ, it does not mean one of us lacks faith.

Before anyone says that I am rejecting God’s authority... oh boy, think about that for even a few seconds. If God predestined me to rebel, His will and purpose is that I rebel... how then can it really be rebellion anyway? Isn’t rebellion NOT doing what someone wants? And aren’t you only defining my actions by your beliefs rather than in an objective manner? I could say that those who believe in fate must not believe in responsibility, and must believe that way so they can escape any semblance of guilt for their actions. But I know they probably don’t believe that way and such a statement only reflects my feelings on the subject not theirs. I say God does not predestine our actions, because I see that as more an accusation than a worshipful thing to say, and because I see that the Bible clearly states otherwise. My thoughts on this matter are no rebellion against anything save for modern theology.

Review: Daniel and the Sun Sword

Daniel and the Sun Sword by Nathan Lumbatis

Well here we are, another story with a score over 9, which means I’m almost contractually obligated to say the author should go straight to a publisher... well he could, I truly believe he could. However from my personal point of view there are a few issues I would recommend fixing before he goes to a publisher anyway. And as far as outright promoting this work personally... that’s in the air. Read the note at the end if you’re curious.

The story here was actually very exciting and well written, if a bit cliché. I’ve said it before on that end (if not here than somewhere else), if the clichés weren’t good, they wouldn’t be clichés, thus no, that isn’t a bad thing in my book. There are a few negatives in that, since the major plot points of the book were pretty easy to predict, but lest we forget that the journey is often more important than the destination. The characters were likeable when they were supposed to be and hate-able when they were meant to be and the message felt like it would win almost anyone over.

This is a Christian story and is as black and white as those stories often are. To be fair, I often enjoy a good straight forward story with no moral gray areas though, and really, there’s no undo amount of preaching. The story does talk about a lot of modern Christian doctrine at length, but avoids outright calling anyone a heathen or even coming close to criticizing other ideologies. Not to say that criticizing other faiths can never be done or done right, but this story seems meant to be have broad appeal and it pulls that off. It is not a 23 chapter sermon disguised as a children’s adventure.

How did the story fare rating wise? Well Mr. Lumbatis almost got a bonus point which would have gotten him a ten, but he lost it as the story went on, which is something I’ll address in the review body. Still, 9.25 out of twelve possible and zero bonus points means he did pretty well. Normally, I’d say he just needs a few grammar revisions at this point, but like I said before, there are a few issues he might like to address first.

As to the objectionable rating, here we go. As to gore, there is blood but very little, I’ll only give that a -1. There is also a number of mentions of child abuse and even torture, meaning I would have to give a -2 for innocent characters being subjected to punishment beyond criminal level, but never on camera to an extreme degree. As to violence, don’t ask me to explain exactly how, but this story manages to be themed around a war, but none of the characters in the story actually die, meaning again, only a -1. Finally, a -1 for ideology I take issue with (see note at the end). This goes to a total of -5 out of a possible -25. Generally a good read for slightly older children. (Really this is probably the same rating Lost and Found would have gotten were I to review it.)

__________________________________________________________

A classic story of good vs. evil with a Christian spin, Daniel and the Sun Sword is an enrapturing story that children will enjoy. While the story is pointedly Christian, there is nothing that most people would find all that objectionable, even if they’re not of that persuasion and the story can be objectively enjoyed. The characters are memorable, the story is fast paced and I had a hard time putting it down, despite being outside the target age range.

__________________________________________________________

And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

1. Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

And here is where many people want me to get specific, but I rarely see a point. If something major in the story needs to be changed, then there’s little point in me pointing out grammar mistakes that may be rewritten. Mr. Lumbatis has a good command of his writing and though he does have the occasional mistake, it’s not enough to make anything hard to read, nor to suggest an actual problem that he himself could not track down after a few rereads. I would tell him to read the story aloud a few times and he should find most of them.

2. Interesting Plot

Score: 1

As I said, much of this story feels a little cliché. It’s a story where God chooses a series of champions to fight the devil, with your normal line up of the rebel, the abandoned and the middle class kid. No bonus points for guessing that the rebel turns out to have questionable allegiances or for guessing that the story centers on the abandoned kid’s journey to a better circumstance and acceptance of his past. Those things are par for the course, but the question is, are they pulled off in an interesting manner that you’ll want to read this version of the story of the trio of destined champions? Well yes actually. Daniel (the abandoned) is a relatable character and Ben (the middle class kid) is likeable as a person and sounds like he would be a good friend. Raylin (the rebel) does step off the straight and narrow, but not for unbelievable reasons and I was interested to see how she was won back over which... actually she wasn’t fully, which was probably the only really not so black and white ending to the story. The story is also open for obvious sequels and I would enjoy seeing those. The story is also very convincing in most of the messages it tries to put forth.

3. Good Direction

Score: 1

Actually this story’s logic and reasoning were very easy to follow. The pace of the story was just right, not moving without explaining things, or spending too much time on scenes that didn’t need to exist. Really despite not feeling much suspense, I still felt myself enjoying reading each page. There are a few mistakes, which I pointed out to the author already, but for the most part very little is out of place. (Those mistakes I would recommend the author fix before attempting to publish, as they were pretty bad mistakes, if not far reaching.)

4. Author Interest

Score: 1

Mr. Lumbatis actively promotes his book.

5. Believable Main Characters

Score: ¾

As with many stories of black and white, the characters can only be so believable. The main cast is believable for the most part, but other people are often laughably unrealistic. No one like the Gurges exists in real life, thank God, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying their nigh cartoon villain type abuse of Daniel in a slightly sadist light. (Get off your high horse if you laughed at Wile E Coyote, the abuse scenes were not that dark.) Most of the villains are straight up sadists or have ridiculously over inflated egos. At times these antagonist were funny, awesome and even scary. Who knows why, but we all love villains that can make us feel emotions about them, without feeling realistic. (Yes I believe in the devil, but no one really knows his motivations in real life, we only assume straight forward unsympathetic ones.)

6. Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

Now we get to my major reason for saying the author might want to do a rewrite. The writer pulled a Jar-Jar Binks. A main character who becomes very obnoxious, has no real power of his own to drive the plot and is constantly becoming a damsel in distress stand in. Ben. This actually drove me nuts as in the beginning of the story, almost every character was perfect, INCLUDING Ben. Daniel was believable and sympathetic, Raylin was a tough girl who was very useful in a fight and Ben was a kid with little skill or luck, but a heart of gold, determined to help people he didn’t even know despite his fear and inadequacies. However once the main plot got going, Ben’s determination went away and he became so terrified of even mostly benign things he would become physically ill. I got that this was supposed to set up a character arch for Ben, teaching the value of bravery but... it just didn’t work. Ben early in the story possibly risks life and limb to help Daniel escape abusive adoptive parents and even helps fight a 16 year old champion high school wrestler (himself only in junior high) when he has no talent at all for martial arts. He’s nervous through all of these events, but seems to have very little to learn about bravery. It feels more like the lesson concerning Ben should have been about true courage and recognizing that just because someone doesn’t have awesome powers or know martial arts, doesn’t mean they’re useless. However Ben WAS useless from that point on. Or maybe the lesson could have been that one needs to not be naive and prepare for bad things in life to happen. Ben could have learned a few martial arts moves and been woken up to just how much he needed to think about life outside the protective arms of his parents. However he just whined about wanting to go home for the entire journey. To Mr. Lumbatis, please, fix this character, I LIKED him in the beginning. I felt like he was being picked on and I wanted to defend him. Despite my disappointment with Ben, I loved the other characters and felt the villains were just the right level of awesome. The author maintains a good score here, if only because he sacrificed the bonus point he almost got.

7. Likable Side Characters

Score: 1

This story had several side characters, but they weren’t just window dressing. Everyone in the story had a personality and a life beyond just the main story. (Aside from Daniel as this was HIS story so his life was pretty much contained therein. Still had great personality.) The author even avoided having characters show up just be killed or injured to show how buff his baddies were. Bad, good and neutral, all of the side characters were interesting to read and a few of them could have had books of their own.

8. Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

Mr. Lumbatis was great at describing different settings and objects. At times I felt like I was watching a movie, but one not directed by Michal Bay. I could understand what things were supposed to look like, even when the writer was having massive explosions go off and epic battles.

9. Targeting

Score: 1

This is a story targeted directly at young Christian audiences. That being said, its doctrine was pretty on the nose and mainstream so I think most Christian parents would approve it. It was also enjoyable in its own right, and had enough action and comedy to keep younger minds engaged.

10. Broad Appeal

Score: ¾

As I said this story is exciting, not condemning of other religions in tone and just all around fun. However its doctrine is very on the nose and if you understand certain doctrines and don’t agree with them, you’re going to find yourself having serious problems. This story does not allow for wiggle room, even on minor points. This is a category which I would strongly suggest the author think about. The story would probably fair better allowing things to be more general, just telling a story similar to Christianity, like the Chronicles of Narnia, that just hits the major points.

Note:

The views expressed in the following are the heart felt beliefs of the author of this blog and each person can take or leave them as he wishes.

Like I said earlier, I have a personal problem with this story. One that I can’t in good conscience ignore to the point of total unbiased promotion. Again, since the story does not allow for wiggle room, demanding that its doctrines are RIGHT, I myself have a problem. The story insists that nothing in life occurs without a purpose, more specifically eluding to the idea that God Himself plans everything. I seriously disagree.

If anyone is interested, my full opinion on absolute fate is on the next blog entry. The entry is not to be seen as a condemnation or refutation of anything Mr. Lumbatis has said to me himself, simply a cross examination of a doctrine he promoted in his book. Do no read on if you do not wish to see someone challenge the doctrine that God plans out everything ahead of time, or wish not to feel the need to question it yourself. You have been warned.

In Transit Review: Grimm's Cabinet of Spooky Stories

In Transit review:
Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

Grimm's Cabinet of Spooky Stories by James E. Coplin

http://authonomy.com/books/42310/-grimm-s-cabinet-of-spooky-stories/ 

And here we go with another review. Once again, though I really did enjoy this work, I have to say it needs a good amount of work in some key categories before really pushing for publishing.

The stories here feel a lot like camp fire stories, the ones teens and kids tell each other to give themselves nightmares. That’s not putting the stories down, as actually creating a short story with enough personality to elicit an emotion from you in less than ten minutes is not easy. These stories will send chills down your spine and make you un-desirous to look over your shoulder. The descriptions are captivating and the direction is great.

There is a problem at the end of the day however and that’s why I’m recommending the author go back to the drawing board for a little while. The actual characters are very hard to care about as individuals. Now when it comes to horror, generally a bad character means a drug dealing psycho twit is our protagonist. The stories certainly have nothing in that category. What the stories are missing is any real feeling of attachment to the characters before they run into trouble. The dread and suspense comes purely from atmosphere and a slow steady pace building up suspense with pay offs that are not entirely predictable. This means the stories have personality, but not so much the characters. Stories with personality, especially in a genre that seeks to elicit an emotional response, are great. This means many of the scenes stuck with me. However none of the characters really did. I’ll explain a little more when I get to the character rating.

On the actual story rating, here’s how it fared. With the highest possible score being 12 (with two bonus points included) this series of stories made an 8.25. Really not a bad showing and definitely worth a look for the curious. However as I’ve said before, generally my rating system is pretty lenient. If you don’t make a 9 at least, which sounds high, in reality that means you need to do some work.

This IS a series of horror based stories, so you might expect objectionable material to be rather high. Well judge for yourself. The stories are not overtly gory, but there is a natural amount of blood I’d say, so that’s a -2. Good, bad and neutral characters do die, so that’s a -3 for realistic killing. And a general -1 for horror in general. Really a -6 out of a possible -25 isn’t bad. Actually this book could be read around the aforementioned campfire to kids.

__________________________________________________________

Grimm’s Cabnet of Spooky Stories is a great bunch of camp fire stories. Very rare is the full horror story written these days that can elicit much of a reaction from me, but these had me glued to my seat to see what would happen. On occasion I did know approximately what the endings might be, however even when it was a story I’d heard before, each story was told with an even sense of suspense and atmosphere. Don’t pass this one up, it’s a real treat and really there’s no reason you can’t read it to your kids. Though fair warning, some members of the audience may sleep with one eye open. _________________________________________________________

And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

1. Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

Why yes, ¾ is my default score. As such to be honest, it doesn’t mean much. This just means I found the occasional typo, but didn’t see any real patterns to such. The author just needs a proof read or two and he’ll fix this.

2. Interesting Plot

Score: 1

Really a few of the stories in this book are ones people have heard before, however they are very well told. The story of the evil scare crow isn’t one no one ever saw coming for instance, but that just makes it all the better to see such a story told right. The author didn’t “skip to the good parts” and instead let us wonder if the scare crow would or would not come to life, and what exactly its intentions were if it did. The author allows us to see bad omens, get suspicious and wonder about what will happen, instead of having the scare crow leap at someone bearing a machete. Strange as it seems, obvious and blunt danger is less scary than subtly. Perhaps it’s just recalling that childish sense of not having any idea what is or isn’t dangerous, that makes us more afraid of the fin approaching someone in Jaws, than the actual shark attack itself. Whatever the cause of this phenomenon, the author here gets it.

3. Good Direction

Score: 1

Suspense has a lot to do with direction. If a story gives away too much too soon, suspense is killed. However if the writer reveals too little, the readers simply become confused. This writer was very good at keeping me up with what was going on and adding just enough foreshadowing to make me know something was amiss, if indeed foreshadowing was needed.

4. Author Interest

Score: ½

Yes, this is the first time I haven’t given someone a full 1 in this category. This author didn’t approach me to read his story, I approached him after he backed me. I also don’t see much evidence of him advertising. I would recommend if he really isn’t, he get on that, this series is worth getting some movement on... well yes it does need some polish, but that’s no reason not to show off what the story has.

5. Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

There was nothing spectacularly realistic about the characters in this series of short stories. Normally I don’t care too much about realism in characters in non-contemporary fiction, however in horror, there is the cliché of character’s only getting in trouble because of chronic stupidity. There’s nothing the characters do in this series that is inherently stupid. Perhaps ill advised, but no one runs towards a serial killer with a machete, in a miniskirt while wielding a twig. The characters do behave like real people might.

6. Likable Main Characters

Score: ½

Finally we get to the problem area. Did I like the main characters? Well I didn’t hate them, but I couldn’t like them either. And here’s a little catch, they weren’t entirely void of personality. The trouble is, the personality traits they had were only those required to get them into the problems they got into. Their personalities were just another part of the stories. This felt a lot like some of the watered down versions of the Christmas Carol, where Scrooge’s motivations are never really explored and he’s just painted as a jerk for the sake of it. I suppose this is the challenge of writing good characters. They have to do things that are NOT motivated by a need to move the story along, and yet they can’t be seen doing so much irrelevant stuff that the story feels like it has no direction. They have to stumble over themselves when they’re NOT about to trip into something important. They have to tell jokes that are just funny, not omens. I reminded of all the times Sherlock Homles would be shown making observations that did nothing to further the plot, and all the times Watson was shown trying in vain to knock down his ego, even though such didn’t do much to advance the initial story

7. Likable Side Characters

Score: ½

This story had plenty of side characters, and no, they did not exist simply to rack up a body count. However they had the same problems as the main characters. No personalities of their own. If I were to just come out a say it, these stories feel like they need to be some five pages longer each to flesh out all the potentially drawing characters. (Course with some talent, they could just need one more page each, but I wouldn’t try too hard for that.) I would tell the author to not worry, letting the characters tell a few unnecessary jokes and banter, will not ruin his pace, it will simply add a new element. And now to say what I must, there’s a reason camp fire stories stay around camp fires. If you’re going to write a few out, go ahead and flesh out the characters.

8. Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

The atmosphere in these stories was so good it was chilling, literally. My mind’s eye saw exactly was it was supposed to, and it never felt like the author was pausing to examine a rock for no particular reason. This was especially true in the scare crow story.

9. Targeting

Score: 1

Anyone into short horror stories will love this little series. It’s scary, it isn’t mind numbingly stupid and it has great atmosphere. Take a look, you won’t be disappointed.

10. Broad Appeal

Score: 1

Too often these days horror authors confuse revulsion with fear. Not this one. There are no tons of blood and gore washing over the floor, or scenes of torture porn. It’s just good old fashioned suspense and atmosphere. As a result, you could read a few of these stories to your older kids even. There aren’t even a ton of overt sexual references that lead nowhere. But enough of me decrying what’s wrong with the horror genre, yes, general audiences will enjoy these titles.

The Lost Wink Review

The Lost Wink by Todd Schneider

http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

The Lost Wink has to be one of my favorites on the site simply because it’s a story that knows what it’s trying to be. It isn’t shocking or controversial, it’s just a good children’s story that would be great to read to a little kid. It would be a great first book for a seven-year-old and a good classic favorite for when he’s older. This is a new twist on some older stories, having elements of Oliver Twist and Tom Sawyer. It’s not impossibly cute, forbidding anyone older that five from being entertained by it, however it is definitely written for kids.

One thing that did catch me off guard was the author’s willingness to allow his character to experience hardship, but continue to make him a relatable and likable character. I know the main moral of the story was supposed to be “follow your dreams” but I think the underlying message was about perseverance. The story is very well told and I only have a few objections to its direction.

Now to the score. Out of a possible 12 points, including two bonus points, this story scored a solid 10.25. Yes, the author scored a bonus point and still didn’t make it into the 11’s. I have yet to find a story that can make that, and actually 10.25 is one of the highest scores I’ve given (despite appearances, I may be easy to impress, but I do grade hard).

As to our moral rating, I would say that most kids should be able to take this story pretty easily without having nightmares, but still there are things to consider. For one the torments inflicted on the main character are far beyond normal, to the point of imprisonment, isolation, starvation and constant peril. For this the story gets a -2. Also it is not only implied that the main villain violently dies, but also that several good characters die violently towards the end of the story. Their deaths are unlikely to cause nightmares, but when you think about it, the scene of their deaths is kinda unnerving. This gets a -3. This comes to, out of a possible -25, -5. Needless to say, the story really didn’t strike me as scary or bloody. Sure the Care Bears is friendlier, but it also never establishes very well that anything is at stake.

____________________________________________

The Lost Wink is a great children’s story that I would gladly put alongside legends like Charlotte’s Web. The story is goofy in places and childish in others, but also takes its audience seriously enough to allow us to see someone grow as a character not only through victory, but also through adversity. I was very impressed to see the story of an abused character NOT turned evil, introspective or sarcastic. I like to finally read a modern writer who understands that a smile one someone’s face does not imply an easy life or naivety. No punches were pulled, but I still walked away feeling good about myself and the world.

____________________________________________

Now that I’ve given the author a plug he can use if he likes, here’s the meat of the review.

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Full scoring explanation.

1.      Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

The writer will have to proof read this story again. Nothing extremely noticeable that sacrificed readability, but if you read through you will find the occasional miss placed word or phrase.

2.      Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The basic premise of the abused kid who is pulled from rags to riches is familiar to us as our own skin. Contrast that to how many stories are about someone pulling himself from rags to riches in the fiction universe. Roscoe is no Cinderella and the story does not force him into greatness. I liked the idea of using a fantasy medieval world as well, which allows for the author to create a world kids can get lost in and remember when they become adults, even if it will seem childish by that point.

3.      Good Direction

Score: 1

Again, I like that Roscoe is not forced into greatness and the path the story takes is actually up to him as the main character. I also love how each adventure forces him to use his mind and engage his moral compass.

If there were one thing I might change, it would be the emphasis on dreams. Not that I disagree with pushing for ones dreams, however I would have liked to see more attention given to being happy where you are, if it’s a good place. In the end Roscoe learned that his ultimate dream of being with royalty was beyond what he was really ready for and he settled for being a farm boy, but this is barely addressed in the last few pages. Also the story has a good range of evil characters contrasted with good ones. It seems necessary that at least something be said about the difference. After all, Roscoe pursuing his dreams helped himself and others, but only because he cared for others just as much as himself if not more. Nasturtium pursing his dreams hurt him and everyone around him because he was self-absorbed, greedy and impatient, however this is never addressed in so many words. But these are personal preferences. Some of the story morals were inherent and didn’t need to be stated or hammered home and maybe that the story made me think about these things without stating them is a good sign.

4.      Author Interest

Score: 1

The author is actively advertising his story.

5.      Believable Main Characters

Score: 1
I was blown away by how easy it was to believe Roscoe as a real person. A balance was struck between making him a character subjected to hardship and a person with a bright outlook. Roscoe is aware of how bad he has it, but he doesn’t let that consume his thoughts. Actually, the person who can go through hardship with a smile strikes me as the stronger character, not the person with a scowl.

Also, much as I wanted to disbelieve people like him could exist, Nasturtium was also believable as a villain. Blinded by ambition and greed, Nasturtium was bitter, not very bright and very self-absorbed. Sure he hit every major character trait for a villain square on the head, but he never felt like a straight up demon, just a bad person. At no point was he portrayed as a force beyond, just someone to be avoided that our hero was stuck having to endure.

Also, yes, I believed the animals. Talking animals is something a lot of stories ask, and these animals, if I am to accept that they were people, acted like reasonable people for the most part. They also acted like animals, a balance that is not often seen.

6.      Likable Main Characters

Score: 1 +1

I liked most of the main characters in this story, including the animals, and the main villain I hated in just the right way. However Roscoe carried the show unbelievably well. He was funny, good natured, patient and yes, ultimately limited and flawed. I love that he persevered in the face of adversity instead of turning into a basket case, and that nothing he did really felt like something that would be impossible for a twelve-year-old boy.

7.      Likable Side Characters

Score: ½  

This is where an otherwise great story, really needs some work. The supporting cast was… okay? I hate to put it this way, but most of them came off as utter morons. I think the author might benefit from a few Encyclopedia Brown books or maybe watching Young Sherlock Holmes. To be quicker witted than his opponents, a kid doesn’t have to be unbelievably genius and his adversaries don’t have to be stupid. As it stands, the only character Roscoe ever crosses wits with that seems a mental match is Nasturtium.

This might be more tolerable if the good characters were intelligent, perhaps offering a subtext about the follies of greed and impatience concerning one’s IQ, however even the King of the entire country was an utter imbecil, and none of those around him seemed smart enough to be able keep him from regularly executing people for blinking at his daughter. Actually on that note, the King started to feel like a villain himself, considering that he no doubt hurt and even killed innocent people through his stupidity, even if those deaths were implied and not “on camera”.

8.      Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

The story was full of great scenery and descriptions of not only places, but also people. I actually was able to develop a mental picture of most scenes given the author’s wonderful command of illustrative language.

9.      Targeting

Score: 1

This is definitely a children’s story, and despite not pulling its punches when it comes to violence or even character deaths, I think most children will find it enjoyable. I like that the story allows a character to grow through his troubles, instead of having them spontaneously removed and then growing. This is a great story for children to hear when they’re being bullied or having a hard time at school. Keep going and keep your dreams in sight, something good could be just around the corner!

10.  Broad Appeal

Score: 1

If the side characters were allowed to be more intelligent, I think most adults could also get a kick out of this story. Also not pulling its punches allows for older audiences to take it seriously. While this is definitely a children’s story, like Tom Sawyer, I can still see it resting on someone’s bookshelf well into adulthood.

Note to the author:

If you appreciate this review, please don’t forget to read my story and rate it and if you like it, back it for a while. I appreciate thanks, but what I really need is readers and supporters.