In Transit: Aethunium – A Steampunk Story

In Transit review:

Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

Aethunium – A Steampunk Story by Kirk Haggerty

This story is actually pretty impressive in some areas, and lacking in others. It has what I might start calling “Authonomy Syndrome”, which isn’t a bad reflection on the writer so much as it is a reflection on the problem of using authonomy to workshop a story. The first four or five chapters of this story have virtually no spelling or grammar errors, and certainly no direct plot holes. However after that, the normal number of grammar errors can be found and there are a few problems with direction. This reflects the pattern of most trade reads on authonomy. It has become popular to only read and correct the first four or five chapters of a story and then move on in order to read as many stories as possible on authonomy. This ultimately means stories will be very polished in the beginning, but not many people will read to the end, regardless of whether they like the book. Not sure what to recommend to get past this, besides going to a real book workshop, such as http://critters.com that allows writers to exchange and read their works one chapter at a time. The disadvantage of workshops is that they’re for helping to create a story, not publish it, as people come to authonomy for. For this story, I would still definitely recommend such a work shop.

This story has two major problems besides a grammar or spelling mistake here or there. Hook, and direction.

The concept of a hook is to have something about your story that readers will remember and come back to. This can take the form of a writing style, a unique atmosphere or characters that feel real or are easy to fall in love with. While the characters, story and plot are all good enough in their own right, I never could identify anything in the story that I would remember no matter how many other stories I read. There are a variety of ways for a story to get stuck in your head, from rhyming schemes to evoking a powerful emotion, or just having a good variety of themes, like a book of different stories. I just didn’t find anything for this category, which will hurt this story come publishing time.

The problem in the story’s direction came later on, after the well corrected first four or five chapters. At around chapter six or seven I started to notice characters were doing things for reasons that weren’t explained and having roles that didn’t make sense. Even the ending was so overly happy it made me wonder if the author was considering parody. (It would have worked great for that purpose and I actually said so in my comments in all seriousness, not to be insulting.)

As it stands, this story is very well written, but kinda has a feeling like an English major wrote it. Especially in the first few chapters there are very few direct mistakes of any kind. However it would be better having three or four grammar mistakes per page if the author would work to make things more unique. It might even have an easier time with publishing with grammar errors if something stuck with the reader even after three more books were read. The score came out to an 8.75 out of a possible 12 with no bonus points. A very high score for an in transit story, but I still have to recommend a fair amount of work before going straight to a publisher.

To the objectionable material, -1 for very little blood, -2 for only bad guys ever getting killed and -1 for some sexual themes. Over all this is about a -3 out of a possible -25. I don’t know how interested young children would be in this story, as its more grown up in style, but there wouldn’t be any reason to forbid them from reading it if they got the notion.

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In a world where steam and gears replace electricity and gas, time travel is about to be discovered, for better or for worse. This is a very well put together story with interesting characters and a well thought out world. Appropriate for all ages, but geared towards adults this one is basically a good romp through the crazy world that is the pop culture trend of steam punk.

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Spelling/Grammar

Score: ¾

As I already said, this books is extremely well-polished in the first few chapters, however it has a few grammar and word usage errors in the latter chapters. Nothing suggest the author could not eventually pick up on these problems himself, so I won’t waste his (as I hope he is reading this) and my time explaining those errors.

Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The setting for this story was very well imagined if a bit cliché for the Steam Punk Sub-genre. Blips and old fashioned flying cars populate the sky and horse drawn carriages along with some vehicles populate the ground. Essentially it’s a realization of the theory that if technology had simply built on the foundation steam had already been laying rather than moved on to start over with gas and electricity, it might have moved a good deal faster. Anyone can debate this theory, but the story doesn’t seek to detail how this would work, simply subbing in a mystical blue mineral that pretty much is meant to fill in all the holes that steam and gears might not have been able to work in.

While the plot isn’t bad, it does have a weakness in that the story doesn’t really do much to explain the mechanics of this phenomenally different technological layout for society. It’s simply meant to be accepted that any problems that steam, air and gears had rising beyond a few blimps and steam boats in our world, were compensated for in this world with the blue mineral. This in itself could have been interesting. If the blue mineral were used for other purposes as well, such as being used as a weapon or something else, that would have showed a completely new idea inside an old one.

I will note that about half way through the story the author does use a mechanized quadraped battle ship with zeppelin transport, but he suggests this is unusual for his world. Actually the idea of merging mecha and steam punk would have stuck in anyone’s mind. Imagine steam punk mech warriors duking it out with early navy ships and zeppelins. I get that the author probably wanted to be loyal to the steam punk universe as imagined by its fans, but being too loyal kinda holds him back.

Good Direction

Score: ½

This is where a good number of the story’s problems take root. At first the biggest problem was not really going for any unique themes or characters, but eventually events began to occur that didn’t make sense in universe.

As an example when the mechanized battle ship zeppelin showed up, the person who commissioned it is not one we have any reason to believe had the resources to build it. In fact nothing of that level of technological advancement had been mentioned in the story before. The creation was treated as something commissioned on a whim and basically piloted by mercenaries. This seems very unlikely in a world set in 1900 with 1900 equivalent technology and the characters act impressed but not very much given the disparity between the technology of the entire planet, and one man. Perhaps the story could have set up that the antagonist had been experimenting with technology that could have put him ahead, and it was hinted that he had used electricity, but this explanation felt very rushed and almost shoe horned.

The main character himself even felt forced into situations after a while, because he was never shown to have unique skills that people would consider when placing him. For example he is arrested as a spy, but then put right back out into combat by the people who arrested him. He is then allowed to use a time space teleportation device he did not invent that only hours earlier he used against the country that arrested him. The device’s operation in story was very simple, so why they couldn’t have just asked him how to use the device and had someone else use it is not explained. Nor is he given any expertise in any field that might have cleared up the reasoning in using him. He only uses the device for a short time, which means his experience wasn’t that valuable either.

Even for this story, which isn’t particularly violent or dark, the ending is overly happy to the point of self-parody. All characters get the most ideal ending possible, and some major plot points are introduced without need. For instance an assassin had been pursuing the main character for the entire story, and had not been dealt with by the end. In the last chapter he was finally killed in an overly drawn out encounter and also turned out to have a double that turned out to be the main character from a possible future where he failed to stop the main villain. Yes, that was all introduced and resolved in a few paragraphs and was very rushed. (Not to mention that the story didn’t even bring up the idea of paradox, -what would have happened if the main character’s alternate self had succeeded in eliminating his own past life?-.)

Finally, this story really didn’t handle the theme of time travel very well. It never established what the rules were for time travel, or even stated that theories about it were uncertain. It simply proceeded as if the characters knew all of its implications and it didn’t matter that the reader did not.

Author Interest

Score: 1

This story is actually placed at 110 despite its problems and I say this is no doubt in no small part due to how much the author is advertising it. He is definitely throwing his weight behind the product and I believe it reasonable to assume he will work on fixing any errors as quickly as possible.

Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

While the premise of the story was science fiction, and there were plot holes that revolved around the main characters, the characters themselves always remained believable. Their reactions were normally consistent and they grew progressively as individuals, not being overtly goofy or incredibly intelligent or dumb.

Likable Main Characters

Score: 1

Being believable in this case did not end up making the characters boring. Their emotions and feelings still drove the story for the most part and I really did find myself hoping things would work out for them. I do feel that working harder with the Baron, the main antagonist, might have been to the writer’s benefit. The antagonist eventually turns out to be of the variety who can put together incredibly advanced machines in a short amount of time. This is usually a trait used with parody villains but the Baron is played too straight for this to be implied. The characters were all good, but as it stands, none of them really stuck out.

Likable Side Characters

Score: ½

This is another problem area. Save for the main character’s four year old daughter, side characters in this story come in, fill a role and leave. It doesn’t really feel like the writer was endeavoring to make us care about them or what happened to them which made them feel empty.

Good Scene Descriptions

Score: 1

Actually despite not being technically explained very well, the scenes in the story themselves were very well explained and set up. I was at many times able to envision myself in this alternate timeline. Even the mechanized dreadnaught, though poorly explained, was very well described.

Targeting

Score: 1

Though I might say to its detriment, this story is very loyal to the steam punk sub-genre. It keeps with the themes of semi advanced technology for the age, yet not fantastic all the same, keeping things “reasonable”. Steam punk enthusiast will be pleased.

Broad Appeal

Score: 1

There is no reason those outside steam punk lovers will be upset with this production. It doesn’t talk over anyone’s head or have any objectionable material. In fact the characters and plot are very fun in it of themselves. Any reader could be seen enjoying themselves with this book.

(New category)

Decision to back or not:

Truth is, recently I’ve been reading a few books that felt very good themselves, but seemed to be lacking unique qualities that will make them stand out in my mind over time. This story is the best of them in that with the introduction of mecha into steam punk, clumsy as it was, it will stick with me. I would highly suggest the writer work on other themes that will stand out in people’s minds as unique, or perhaps build more on the mecha concept. Right now his backing with me is kinda on shaky ground.