In Transit Review: The Heir

In Transit review:
Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

The Heir by Lisa Toohey
http://www.authonomy.com/books/39736/the-heir/

This is my second “In Transit Review” and NO, I don’t do this just whenever I can’t give someone a very good score on their story. I do this when I think the story and writer has the potential to be very good, and I can still make it look good. If I can’t meet both of those conditions, I won’t publish a review of it on my blog as this is not about embarrassing unpracticed authors, rather promoting struggling ones.

I actually know from personal experience writing with Lisa in the forums of Authonomy, that she is actually a stellar writer and I have full confidence she can fix all of the mistakes I’m going to be pointing out. Also, the story she wrote is actually pretty good. The world of Illusien is wildly imaginative the premise of the story is original and the characters are made sympathetic through subtle means. Lisa is actually VERY good at writing casual conversation, which is why I think it’s too bad that she often summarizes encounters between characters that could reveal much about them. The story also has a number of action scenes that I was disappointed to not get a play by play of, as I know the writer can pull this off beautifully. A lot happens in this story, and it needs to be longer to show case each event.

Upfront here is the score; out of a possible 12 points, the writer gets an 8, meaning 8 regular points and 0 bonus points. The writer manages to hit every point that counts, but has enough problems that the story needs some serious revising. However given it’s epic universe and wonderful characters, this really is a story I would LOVE to revisit to see the second draft.

As to the objectionable rating, I’m really not sure. The production actually implies a war on the horizon however no characters actually died in the chapters I saw. This could be that the writer was holding off until a final epic battle and actually I think it is. (The last chapter of this story is online right now however it’s over ten chapters ahead of the last chapter before it. In other words I was too lost to keep reading. It was posted to receive corrections on the forum from what I understand.) At the moment though, the story only gets a -1 for a plot that revolves around war. Again I will point out, that the intensity or harshness of a production does not in my mind say how good a story is, I’m just saying what the story holds in store in that catagory.

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The Heir is a very promising story involving war, magic and a very interesting love story with a lovable cast. The writer excels at exploring characters through conversation and action. Every character is important and feels fleshed out, even side characters. The story itself is epic and feels as though it could reach the same level as the Narnia series, having several different and intriguing ideas about a fully realized world, however keeping a relatively clean presentation.

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Plug for author out of the way, and here we go.

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Full scoring explanation

1.       Spelling/Grammar

Score: ½

Normally when I say a story only gets a ½ rating on grammar and spelling, it’s because I think the author had a misunderstanding of a certain grammar rule. However this story demonstrates no common mistake, just enough mistakes that the sheer number of them eventually jars the reader. Not too many times, but on occasion they did make me have to read a full paragraph over just to figure out what was going on. I think this story really should be considered as a first draft right now.

2.       Interesting Plot

Score: 1

The plot in this story is interesting and while the motif of a mistaken identity isn’t impossible to predict, it is well set up in the universe. The idea of magic having a color scheme, being  a part of the natural order of the world and the various ways it is used and restricted adds the idea that magic in this world is not just card tricks. This world also has its own creatures, plants and geography. Essentially the world of Illusien is NOT a clone of earth where magic just happens two work, but a fully different world. Yes, Rane is the real chosen one, not Ashely and anyone who doesn’t see this coming has never read fantasy before, however the world these two modern American girls fall in to is anything but predictable.

3.       Good Direction

Score: ½

Every action and scene in this story, on a very basic level, makes sense. However my issue is that the author constantly sums things up. If the character Rane is sparing with an expert swordsmen, she “falls over without know what hit her”. Conversations and interactions integral to the plot often take place between scenes and are told to us via the narration, rather than us seeing them. Actions scenes are often summed up rather than giving a play by play. Yes, I really do believe the material here could be epic, but only if the author allows the story to be longer and take it’s time. When someone generates a ball of light to light his way through fog, I don’t want to read “he made a ball of light to light his path”, I want to read about the subtle hand gestures he made and how the ball materialized and what it actually looked like. Sure it’s just a ball of light, but remember, this is interesting because this is something that can’t be created in the real world.

4.       Author Interest

Score: 1

Lisa regularly looks for ways to promote and share her story.

5.       Believable Main Characters

Score: ½

This is another problem that stems from the author shortening her scenes. I got very little feel for the characters except for their personalities. I liked the personalities of the characters, but I never really got a feel for how they got from one point to the next. Rane, whom is from modern day America, accepts that she is in a magical realm with absolutely no convincing, she and Ashely are said to be at odds but never shown fighting, in the group she travels with there is a leadership structure that Rane picks up on, however it’s more assumed and explained than shown and various other examples. In other words, I don’t know if I can or can’t believe how these characters function, as I don’t see them functioning in the first place. The Heir feels like it’s a 100,000 word novel compressed into 40,000 words. Yes, the world Lisa creates could be as grand as a Terry Brooks novel, but she needs to slow down for this to happen.

6.       Likeable Main Characters

Score: 1

Lisa does actually explore the characters in her story enough for me to know what most of their basic personalities are. Truth is, what I got I actually liked. Rane is mature yet unsure of herself in a new world, plus she has a crush on Peter. Ashley is more accepting of her new home, but far less mature. However neither person is treated like a jerk in the book.

7.       Likeable Supporting Characters

Score: 1

Truth is, given how time often skips around in this story, it’s hard to tell who the side characters are  and who is supposed to be a main charater. Every character generally gets enough time to have their personality fleshed out, but often not enough time to follow any character arch. All of the characters are developed to a good starting point, however I find myself wanting more.

8.       Good Scene Description

Score: ½

The author really doesn’t describe her scenes very well. When horse men with magic nets come in and take down our heroes, I don’t know what the nets look like, I don’t know how the horsemen came in and the battle itself is jumbled. This happens many times. I guess this comes back again to the author needing to slow down. I think, if I might make a recommendation, I would say to write as much as she can into a scene and prune it later.

9.       Targeting

Score: 1

Really, if this story were fleshed out it would be a wonderful fantasy adventure and the writer does appear to know what she wants. She needs to slow down getting there, but she’s not lost on where she wants to go. Remember, in a story, the means often matter more than the ends.

10.   Broad Appeal

Score: 1

Again I’ll say it. The basic material is here for this to be an epic fantasy in the same vein as at least Terry Brooks, if not even Tolkien. Chases, escapes, fighting, monsters and a fully realized fantasy world. I would say this story needs to be revisited, but it would definitely be worth while to do that revisiting.