In Transit Review: The Haven

In Transit review:
Note: An “In Transit” review is a story I feel is still “on its way”. This simply means a production isn’t complete or is in need of a rewrite. It also means I’m likely to revisit the story if it gets a rewrite.

The Haven by AeliusBlythe

http://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/0f5c06b9-9ac8-4ff4-8080-8ce689c1a851/aeliusblythe/

Okay, here we go on my second review, and this is going to be much different from the first. I’m going to recommend this book to readers, but give a strong recommendation to the author to fix it up a bit before trying to officially publish it. (Yes, this is all my opinion, but I think it’s warranted.) Beyond the fact that the story isn’t finished (and I’m not sure, maybe it is finished and just not all online) it has some serious issues that will probably impair its presentation. What I’m saying is it would be good to take this to a workshop or class or even some friends for more in-depth reviews than I can offer in a blog format like this and that I don’t expect to happen on Authonomy.

Really this story reminds me of my first story, which is still on my computer. Haven has a few rookie mistakes, but should definitely be given a second look for a very original plot, a unique presentation and a story line that can draw you in if you give it time.

I’ll give the score up front. Out of a possible 12 points the story earned 7.5 or 6.5 regular points plus one bonus for a very intriguing character of Nikolai. Truth is the story has a few problems, but with some very simple polishing it could have gotten a full 9.75. Basically this story is a diamond that still needs to be cut out of the rough, to coin an old term.

As to the objectionable rating, or, how appropriate is this story, I can honestly give the story a solid 0 out of -25 points. In other words there is really no objectionable material. Yes Nikolai’s parents die but this happens completely off scene and is the result of a car wreck, not purposed violence. I suppose you could count it as ideologically sensitive, as it handles religious and occult themes without very gentle hands at times, but most of the story so far is an intellectual examination and a story about the that ever probing question of “what if?”. It’s not a story about war or natural disasters. The stakes aren’t especially high but the plot really does set up a dilemma for the characters to overcome that is interesting to follow. I sense things may become more dramatic in later chapters, but I can’t speculate on what I haven’t seen.

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The Haven is an interesting exploration of the subject of magic and even the occult. Young Nikolai searches desperately in the arts of magic to see if there was a way it could have been used to save his parents or even bring them back. Instead of handling wizards and magicians as though they were super powered beings with spell books it takes a more subtle approach to the subject and even explores the concept from an intellectual standpoint. Even on that note the story keeps from brow beating non-believers or taking advantage of the narrative to cast all skeptics as idiotic hold outs in the face of blatant truth. The language employed takes some getting used to but actually over time helps foster a more interesting and rich environment with very detailed and poetic descriptions.

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And with the author plug out of the way, here are the details of how the score was decided:

Warning: Spoilers may be ahead.

Spelling/Grammar

Score: ½

Here is one of the main reasons I decided to go ahead and review a story I knew would have a rough time with the scoring system. Most of the problems are in categories that can be easily fixed. Here the main issue is not missing words or punctuation (that happens, but not especially often for a story with no professional editing). The main problem is probably a misunderstanding about writing conversations in literature. A beginner mistake that I’ve made myself several times is made here. If a conversation has more than two participants, or goes on for several lines, always reiterate for the reader who is saying what. A simple “Nikolia said” or “Elsa said” would have cleared things up pretty quickly. Also, always clarify who a thought belongs to, again, a simple “Nikolia thought” or “Elsa thought” would have sufficed in most cases. The reason this brought the score down to a ½ instead of ¾ is because it does make the story hard to understand at times. Again, an easy fix though.

There are also a few problems with sentence placement that could be a matter of just moving them around.

Interesting Plot

Score: 1

VERY ORIGINAL!

I keep wanting to find a way to add a bonus point here for a VERY interesting and unique plot. However, how would it really look if every time I found a book I wanted to give a little extra praise, I added in another extra credit point just to make it look better? What I’m trying to say is, I’ve never read a book about magic being real that handled the subject so well and didn’t resort to pyrotechnics in the first few chapters. The beginning of this book, save for chapter one, is very subtle in approach and succeeds in making the reader feel fully justified if he does question magic. It also incorporates ideas that, best I can tell, come from an actual study of the practice of ancient and modern ideas of magic. I have literally never seen a production like this in film or literature. I’m sure there are others out there, but I haven’t seen them. No humans being turned into donkeys with the flick of a wrist, no massive explosions and visible energy shields, just people trying to figure out an ancient art that may or may not be real. Eventually the story does give the impression it is going to take the side that magic is in fact real, but it doesn’t rush things. Again, the story is not fully online so I’m not sure how things will end.

Good Direction

Score: ½

Here’s another category that needs some rather simple corrections, but does unfortunately make things hard to follow. First off, the first chapter of the book kinda ruins the tone of the rest of the story. In the first chapter magic is obviously real and the main character is even well over one hundred years old as a result. This makes the next eight chapters feel odd as we watch the characters slowly wrestle with serious doubts about their beliefs. There is no mystery for the reader as we already know that Nikolai is going to become a wizard of sorts and that he’s going to figure out a way to extend his life (meaning he really does find a way to avoid death). This means that it feels to the reader like we’re just watching the characters catch up to us for eight chapters. Removing the first chapter, if possible, (I don’t know, if I had read the end it might have seemed absolutely essential to keep) would have kept the suspense and helped the reader feel more along for the ride.

Also the author seemed to want to keep the reader in confusion as to what is reality and what is a dream at times, thus he doesn’t include transitions when characters had sudden visions. The reason I didn’t call this a grammar error is I don’t think it was unintentional. The character Elsa eventually starts having visions and I sense the author wasn’t ready to fully reveal “magic is real” yet.  Unfortunately what really happens is sudden scenes of a character, without explanation or pause or anything, feeling like she is a tree and seeing a far away forest. The jump is jarring. Even a simple visual cue like this

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might have helped clarify that something happened completely in Elsa’s head and not in the physical world.

Again, both of these issues are easily fixed and I feel very strongly need to be.

Author Interest

Score: 1

I believe this is a story the author approached me about and one that she constantly talks about to others. So I believe that it’s possible that a rewrite is close at hand, thus that score of 9.75 that I mentioned, might be something it will be getting soon.

Believable Main Characters

Score: 1

At first I wasn’t taken with Nikolia and thought he was an overdone teenage stereotype. He’s not. He has a resentment of the world around him, but actually it’s warranted instead of him just being a brat. He lives in a world where no one really takes the system very seriously, most folks are short on manners, and much of the way things work are just systems with no heart. He’s smart enough to recognize it, but not sure what to do about it, so he’s just become cynical. Much the same with Elsa who is essentially his partner. Nikolia also feels realistically smart. He doesn’t shoot off and start hacking government computers on a whim, but rather has discussions and opinions that would take study to come to and he actually is shown DOING study instead of the story just saying he does.

What really struck me was the handling of Nickolia’s emotions after losing his parents. He didn’t immediately go into a personality altering slump or become a rage induced bull in a china shop. Instead he felt like he was going through the genuine feelings of a loss of direction and identity, remorse, regrets, quick denial and an impression that he’ll come out alright, but be forever changed nonetheless in a subtle way. (Listen up here Hollywood: dealing with loss is COMPLICATED! You don’t just show a person crying and hitting things, there’s more to it than that. And what’s more, different people deal in different ways.) In other words the author does not try to embellish and simplify Nickolia’s feelings of loss for the sake of over dramatization. Having experienced loss myself, yes, this felt like how a real person might react to losing his parents.

Likeable main characters

Score: 1 +1 extra credit

Like I said, I really believed in Nickolia as a real person. He has reasonable doubts, but he approaches magic from an intellectual standpoint and is fairly sure of it using a chain of logic that isn’t altogether crazy.

What really catches me though is his pursuit of the art of magic. He gives the impression that he simply will not give up and he really knows what he wants. Essentially he has a Captain Ahab moment where he becomes obsessed with finding the one detail about magic that could have saved his parents and maybe even given his life deeper meaning. Eventually you really start to wonder if he’s headed down a bad path.

Likeable supporting characters

Score: 0

I hate to say it but as realistic and interesting as the main characters Elsa and Nikolia are, none of the side characters even feel like people. Nikolia’s aunt is unbearably rude and Elsa’s mother is vapid to the core. Other students and individuals walk in and out of the story but don’t seem very important. Nikolia’s parents are flashed back to, and were apparently decent people, but their personalities aren’t much shown beyond their obsessions with magic which serve to give us the background for Nikolia’s behavior. Even Erasmus, who has in-depth conversations with Elsa and Nikolia never gets to shine as a person himself. He feels like he’s simply there to play the skeptic as we never learn what exactly he wants out of life or what he believes himself or much for what his personality is, aside from being a decent guy. I even found myself distracted by my inability to learn anything about Erasmus who spends two chapters with the pair. This may take a little effort to fix as the author needs to figure out how to present likeable personalities on people who don’t have an excess of “screen time” and the author likes to indulge in a more negative look at the human world in general. I don’t have to like every side character, but that I don’t care about any of them as people does drag down the narrative.  

Good Scene Description

Score ½

The descriptions in this story are very detailed and almost vivid. That being said, they often don’t feel necessary. A prime example of this is in the first chapter when Nikolia is described as keeping track of time by watching the rise and fall of kings in Britain rather than presidents in America because their leaders cycled too often. It’s an excessively detailed way of saying “Nikolia had seen the rise and fall of many kings”. The author needs to carefully consider what may not be important for the reader to know as he includes too much.

It’s unfortunate that the story feels this way because it is written in scene and generally not in a passive voice. Save for the memories of the distant past, very little in the story happens “off camera”. We are not simply told that Nikolia frequents the library desperately searching for answers, we actually watch him do it and feel his frustrations in not finding those answers. The story is engaging, but is often too detailed to the point that it gets confusing as to what exactly we should be focusing on.

Targeting

Score: 0

This is another issue with the first chapter. If the story is meant to be an adventure about the serious consequences of dealing in magic you don’t understand, and so a story for easy fantasy readers, chapter one makes sense. However the other eight chapters move very slowly and talk on a very deep level for a person who would want a light adventure. If it’s meant to be an analytical a progressive examination of magic and what it would mean if it were real, chapter one makes no sense at all as it removes all doubt and makes the question academic before the story even gets going. Thus someone looking for an interesting a slow examination would be put off by the idea that magic is not probably or logically real, but blatantly and obviously real.

Broad Appeal

Score: 1

So how did I come to the conclusion that there was broad appeal? Well if you threw out the first chapter, while the book does analyze the occult and magic on a very deep level it takes care not to talk over people’s heads too much. What terms it uses that may be new to people, would be easy for someone to find out about, especially in the age of the internet. It also doesn’t attack non-believers so unless you actively desire not to look seriously at other ways of thinking, (maybe you’re new to your own beliefs at the moment and would rather not be deluged with ideas from other people, or you’re a puritan of sorts) it shouldn’t be hard to read. Also there are human elements to the story in its main characters that would appeal to many people.

In summary, this really is a good story and people should go ahead and give it a look despite its flaws. It’s biggest problems are with direction and grammar which unfortunately at times sacrifices readability. It’s premise is memorable, thought provoking and honest in its approach. I would be happy to look at it again once the author fixes it up a little.